I just had a healing session while driving to a waterfall. I'm listening to episode 7 Fear Not - Shine the Light that you are from StarMess Kamelia. She talks about the power of fear to control us. In order to take back this power we need to:
-Feel fear when it comes.
-Acknowledge it and invite it in
-Ask it the question 'what are you trying to tell me?'
So I did. I imagined myself in front of me, and I thought of all the times I've felt fear and started to collect them. Fear in the car with my kids making noise, (I was scared I wouldn't be able to drive safely because my Mom got in an accident once and I thought I was my fault for talking to her while she was driving). Fear of my parents judging me. I envisioned myself collecting all of these memories, I pictured myself grabbing them from the air, pulling them in and holding them close to me. I continued collecting:
I felt fear when I would embarrass myself in
front of my brother. When my friends made fun of me. (I was scared and embarrassed when my
friends told me there was a lollipop in my hair and they wanted to help get it
out, as I tried to find it they circled me and tried to stick a lollipop in my
hair.) So I've been scared of people claiming to be helping me, and actually
trying to trick me. I was scared in gymnastics when friends would comment on my
body and I've been scared of not being able to control what my body does. I
felt fear of being judged by my coaches. I'm scared of being judged by my kids
and my husband.
Then I pictured opening a door inside myself
and said 'ok let's shine a light on this room of fear'. It said 'fear' on the
door and I imagined a light being shined on all the memories and people I'd
just collected and are now in this room.
I then said 'what are you trying to tell me
about my fear?' So I started thinking of exactly what I was scared of. I
thought 'I am scared of being judged, of being miss-understood, of being put in
roles I don't want. I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared of hurting others feelings just by speaking the truth.'
At this point I started to feel the emotions
well up inside me, I didn't like it, and I wanted to let it out but also didn't
know how. I saw 111 and took it as an angel sign, and was reassured, so I kept going.
I thought I am scared if I say what I'm upset
about and share my true self to those around me they won't believe me or will
invalidate my feelings saying It's nothing to be upset about. I'm scared I
won't get the attention I need if I show
my true self. I'm scared my friends won't like me. I'm scared I will annoy
people and be a nuisance.
I pictured a little girl in the past being a
bother in the kitchen. Then I pictured Anne of Green Gables one of my favorites
from my childhood.
(As a side note also during this 'session' and
throughout my daily life, sometimes things and people have popped into my mind from the past and resonate with something I'm learning now, and it feels like they've been clues
to remembering who I am.)
Back to fear. So then I kept thinking of what
I was scared of during all of these memories. I was scared if I didn't frame my
own emotions and fears in a way others understood I wouldn’t get the comfort,
love and support I needed.
By now hot tears were running down my face. I
thought 'yes, let it out'.
Then I thought I felt scared to be alone. And
this felt like the core of the fear. I am scared of being all alone, having no
family or friends because they don't like me, or I'm annoying, or I bother them
or hurt them, or because I'm so scared of them hurting me that I don't even
want to be around them.
So I cried and thought 'yes that's the root of
my fear. I am scared of being alone'.
Then I started to think reassuring thoughts
as I started to feel doubt like I might head down an old spiral pattern.
Then I envisioned myself at the door and
ushering everyone out kindly with my hand palm open as if to say you can go
now, come on out. I stopped to hug some of them saying 'I know it wasn't
about me, it was about your own fear and struggles, it's ok now.' And they all
poured out. And I thought I don't need to hold them in this room anymore, they
can go now.
It felt so amazing and important I decided to pull over and write it all down
to share with you. There was a closed street right as I decided to do this so I
parked there.
Now I am thinking about how usually when I do
healing childhood sessions I comfort myself in the past. I didn't do that this
time. I'm thinking I might right now. Ok so I just tried with a memory where my
friends made me be the guitar playing boy in a project we were doing and we
were going to dress up as the characters. I am REALLY into feminine costumes
etc so I DID NOT want to play the boy with a mustache and male clothes. So in picturing this scenario I tried
to give myself the attention I wanted but I felt like it would be selfish or
not fair play to ask someone else to be the boy, as I think no one wanted to
be. Well really what I was thinking was it wouldn't make sense for the Mother
to enforce the rule for me. So then I thought I could just say 'no, I'm not
playing that character', and then a multitude of scenarios could have played
out including one where if they pushed it, I would say ok I don't want to play
here. I want to go home. And then I go home. As they weren't nice friends
anyways! Lol This felt very liberating to envision!
This felt really good,
like a mass healing of many past traumas with the root of a big emotional trigger: fear. I
invite you to try your own version and/or I will be condensing this activity
into guided steps for you to follow in an email flow. I plan to connect jewelry unboxing as a tool for exercises like this as well!
Oh yes another thought I had today was how I could view my Grandma being into
jewelry, and my other Grandma into sculpture as clues to who I am meant to be.
I love thinking of my life as a game, and I was born with no memory of my
mission, and I'm working to remember and figure out my path, and gifts I'm meant to
collect, talents I'm meant to practice and Master, guides I'm meant to befriend
and information/codes I need to discover the hidden treasure inside of myself,
and then share with all of you and the world!
I started driving again and pulled over
because I forgot a big part of this! When I was crying I was also thinking I’m
scared of loosing my home, and I thought ‘I missed my home, I don’t want to be
alone, I feel homesick’. This could be tied to my parents divorce, it could be
tied to being a Starseed or both. But it felt very intense a fear of loosing my
home, and being away from family. I pictured my galactic family hugging me and
welcoming me home.
I thought of something else.
I am scared of people being jealous of me. My
Mom would say ‘oh your eye lashes!' or 'oh your skin is so smooth, I wish I had
young smooth skin.' She meant it as a compliment, but it sounded to me like I had something she wanted and I couldn't give it to her, so I felt sad, and wanted her to feel good about herself.
Also my friends at gymnastics would say ‘if I
had your legs!’ implying if they had my legs they could succeed. So I felt like
I DO have my legs so I need to succeed at gymnastics, if I don’t I’m being ungrateful for my
legs.
I developed this feeling of obligation. If I’m
good at something I must pursue it and succeed.
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I have also experienced many friends saying things like 'oh my you're so good at that, I hate you'. (I know it's a social phrase, but being highly sensitive it cuts to my core every time.) I also watched feeling hopeless as friendships collapsed because I was better at something my friend had been working at for a long time. This was very difficult to deal with as a child and young adult.
I also have a fear of success. If I win,
someone else doesn’t. I am taking their place. People tell me 'no you’re not, you
earned it', yet I didn't see it that way. but success is based on others judgement. Sports, money, power it’s
all based on others choosing you to rise above the others. It never seemed fair
to me and I didn’t like seeing my friends and family secretly or vocal about
their disappointment or jealousy because I have something they wanted more than
me.
So I’ve been on this push and pull struggle
of succeeding to get attention and love, while trying to not succeed or be too good
that I take love and attention and status away from someone else. And/or add more pressure than I felt able to handle by climbing the ladder of success.
It’s exhausting! I’m excited to leave this
limiting belief behind. There is enough for everyone because everyone is
fulling their own destiny, they’re own special mission. Like in book The Giver by Lois Lowry,
everyone has their role. And also like the Giver, there’s probably some wrongs
to be righted and it’s part of my mission to spread love and light so we can all
figure out what truly lights us up and complete our life's purpose. And feel
happy and fulfilled.
I'm at an Indian Restaurant Now Maurya India in Hamilton. There's an elephant on the wall, so I feel like my Grandmother is here with me rooting me on to follow my new path. I also saw many encouraging numbers on my drive: 1111, 1122, and other repeating numbers I don't remember maybe 2424.
Feeling amazing from my walk at Webster’s Falls. I walked around sending
love out of my fingers towards people and the water. I have this idea that the
water will carry the energy coming from my heart to far places. I also
envisioned love exploding out of my heart, kind of like in movies when there’s
a blast, and the sound or wind shoots out in a circle from the blast. But not
violent, more like when growth and light travel. Moana is a better example,
when she puts the heart back in the fire monster and it transforms into the Earth
Goddess, and the healing, growth spreads out all over the world, and she lays
down to sleep.
This journey was inspired by my heart, and I listened to it because I watched this video (by Christina Lopes called 7 Powerful types of Lightworkers and their Missions) the night before and it gave me the courage to follow my hearts desire. I am a lightworker in the role of Gatekeeper, where I get the urge to go places (Like Stonehenge which I had a very strong urge to go to, and I went!) Just be being at these locations we bring a energy and can spread it to the world through these portals. This was my first time travelling somewhere with the intension to spread light and love energy. ✨😍💖
Speaking of which I’m very tired! I’m excited
to eat and go home, put the kids to bed and share this with you all!
I'm planning to share the early stages of my healing jewelry line soon. Stay tuned!
Here's a preview:
✨Comment or send me a message: How do you recharge your battery? I like alone time, travelling and healing my inner child. ❤😍
www.RicksonJewelry.com
Contact@ricksonjewelry.com